It has recently occured to me that everything I have been trying to understand, create and achieve I already had!
I have been looking at it and feeling it but just not seeing and understanding it consciously.
I have been frustrated about many aspects of my life and tried to change the situation or people in the past.
At school I couldn’t understand why everything I HAD to do was not supporting me to achieve what I desired. “You can’t study those subjects they are in the same options box”.
“It is about studying and getting exams”. Surely it is about studying what you are interested in to enable you to become and achieve what sets your heart racing?
For me it’s being a musician.
I love(d) the feeling of performing. I would describe it was the closest thing to being ‘at one’ with the universe as is possible. It is like the feeling sports people get when everything just happens. You hit every ball you want, run like a cheetah or fly like a bird. It is just breathtaking.
The difficult thing about experiencing this type of thing when you are young is that it makes no sense in terms of ‘normal’ life. For me instead of embracing it as a gift and using this knowledge and understanding to live every part of everyday in the same spirit I shut it down and made it remarkable but unattainable. “It is not normal, life isn’t like that day to day” You only have to look at everyone going about their ‘normal lives’ to see that ‘must’ be the case.
This conflict I am now only just realising.
I have always been a pleaser, do what was right, don’t upset the apple cart! Just be normal. I was waiting for the right person to show and explain to me what this was all about.. It never came.
The person I was waiting for I knew all this time. It was me.
I knew I was pushing too hard in life, trying to put a square peg in a round hole! Creating conflict within me but I still did it. Why? Because my elders must know best. What they were showing me must be right. The truth is it was right, but right for them. Instead of learning how to live your own life so it works for you I only saw how to live life the ‘right way’.Or how they were doing it.
The problem was it was not ‘right’ for me.
If I had been surrounded by different people maybe it would have been a different ‘right’ experience. But still not mine. I am not sure it would have made any difference.
When I stopped trying, listened to myself and went with the flow I was much happier and more successful. It is this feeling I am rediscovering but now with understanding.
I have had a very happy time in last few years. I get to play music all the time, I have a beautiful family and spend lots of time enjoying myself. This has happened unconsciously.
What is changing now is my concious understanding of what is happening and why. The joy I first experienced as a young performer I now find everyday by the way I look and focus on every experience. This can be as simple being thankful for the rain helping my garden to bloom as opposed to complaining that is not sunny to being fully involved and excited about creating our next family meal.
This could be happening because as our children grow up I am trying to understand what I want to tell them and why. But more than that I want to understand what changed in me and why.
You will see from previous posts I got involved with my children’s school. I had all sorts of ideas about how I could help them improve the school. Offer a new light and direction. It was not just a hair-brained scheme it was based on my skills and things I had been inspired by from people like Sir Ken Robinson. Sadly they didn’t want this type of help and didn’t see things my way. I was lost again and confused how can they not see what I see?!
It appeared that the same patterns of frustration were beginning to develop. However this time I did stop and listen to myself.
I am not fighting or frustrated. I am looking at it differently. I can’t and don’t want to change THEM, or make them understand. I am simply allowing everything to be as it is but deciding to live my life differently. This took some time as was not easy!
There are many options. A different school with a different approach. It doesn’t make the current school bad or wrong, just not what I want to experience. Or more importantly not what I want my children to take as ‘normal’.
This has created a whole new insight for me. I have always had a choice about my life even though it didn’t feel like it at the time. I can take control, make changes and experience life differently whenever I want.
The result I guess is that I knew what wasn’t working when I was younger, then I knew what was working. Now I know how to get from one to the other.
The exciting thing as how the journey continues to allow all that I desire to materialise.